Should I have done that?

The day before yesterday, I sent my brother an email and now I am wondering…should I have done that?

The email included instructions for him to listen to a song called “Oh Mother” by Christina Aguilera.

Here is my impression of the song. It is pretty deep cuz it talks about how the man was abusive and the mother left him. She knew she deserved better and she wanted to stop the abuse, especially when he turned on the kids. It was, to me, deep because the mother made the choice to stop the cycle of abuse and her choice was based on the love of her kids.

The reason why I sent the email to begin with is because of coming from an abusive family. I knew that my brother would understand. One time, he told me to rent the movie, “Delores Claiborne”. I asked why and he said to just rent it and I would understand. That movie helps paint the picture of an abusive family structure and what happens when the offspring grow up. I watched the movie alone and it made my stomach hurt. It was so raw and real.

The fact is, I know I am still not over the abuse and I probably never will be. I still talk about it, dream about it, and think about it too much in daily life. I talk about it the most when I am around my brother or on the phone with him. He is 8 years older than me but we were always close and we could talk about stuff like that more than anyone else in my family would. They all want to deny what really went on, like the big pink elephant in the room. My thing is, it should be talked about, not tucked under a rug. Everyone has to deal with the feelings and effects that abuse creates. Denying that doesn’t make the abuse go away, or make it as though the abuse never happened.

Getting back to the email, I sent it because I was in a reflective mood. I don’t think my brother would have ever heard that song otherwise, so I wanted him to at least be able to interpret it for himself. I thought he would understand since he told me to rent the movie that would hit me as an abuse victim, as it hit him. It strikes a cord when you have been around abuse and you are exposed to it again, in all of its ugliness. I am not going to get into the abuse in all of its forms that I underwent. Let’s just say that a lot of things go on behind closed doors. The last line of the email to him read, “Think about what could have been.” The reason I wrote that was open to his interpretation and particularly I wrote it because of the kind of mood I was in. I also wrote it because if our mom had left our dad, things would have been who knows how different. My brother might not have so much hatred and he might be a different person. But I also wrote it because the lyrics talk about how strong the mother was. The mother defended her children and knew that when the abuser turned on the kids, the mother had to defend them. My mother never did that for me or my brothers. What would have been different if she had?

He got the email, I know that. Only he has not responded in any way whatsoever. I do not expect him to say something like, “Wow, that was amazing, thanks for sending that.” What I do expect is a response somewhat like, “So, what was with that bizarre email? And the part about, ‘think what could have been?’ What was that?” So I don’t expect a response that will be comfortable. Abuse and its effects are never comfortable for anyone. I just thought my brother could see where I was coming from and I only sent the email with that intent. We talk about stuff with our family, how they are, and all of the basic after-effects of abuse in a round-about way all of the time. It wasn’t like sending the email would spark some horrible things for him that I should not have done. The song lyrics were deep and I thought he would see where I was coming from. Now I wonder if I should have done that – sent the email at all.

Tomorrow I will be seeing my brother and I don’t know how he’ll be, but I guess I’ll find out. He lives out of state and he’s coming here for a visit, so I will write more about that after it happens.

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~ by coffeebreath on December 25, 2007.

2 Responses to “Should I have done that?”

  1. […] sharonm wrote an interesting post today on Should I have done that?Here’s a quick excerptThe email included instructions for him to listen to a song called “Oh Mother” by Christina Aguilera. Here is my impression of the song. It is pretty deep cuz it talks about how the man was abusive and the mother left him. … […]

  2. […] It is weird being at my parents’ house with my brother.  After all of the stuff that went on in our past and how my brother reacted and still reacts to tension and stuff with the family.  That was kindof the point of why I sent the email to him with the song ‘Oh Mother’, which I discuss here.  […]

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